one of the reasons why i pursued it so much is that i thought i wouldnt get hurt. it would just be a play thing. a comforting thing. a happy, cheery, fun experience.

im not saying i had no feelings. my feelings for him were the strongest compared to my feelings towards the other options - but my feelings for him of course were not as strong or passionate as the feelings i had past experienced. but i thought that this might be different, they might grow.

plus i wanted to finally really feel again - something that someone else shared with me. thats why i pursued this. that is why i gave it a shot. the chance of happiness and entertainment whilst knowing it had no future. giving into something that had no consequences, no unhappy endings. a relationship that would merely leave a cute, little stitching on my heart. when we broke it, we'd remain friends. a totally mature yet immature fling. not fling though, i'd hate to think of it as a fling.

at times i really truly thought i could not live without him. but i was fooling myself. i yearned for his attention, admiration, affection because they were so rare. they were so rare because he entered our situation probably with exactly the same reasons as i did.

we were identical in so many ways, i could find my reflection in him easily. but we did not match. past loves and hurts, dejections and rejections, pains clouded our judgement, steering us away from how we'd usually react to each other, before all the tearing of the heart by others who left us out in the cold to heal.

our cuts have healed but they've left scars. scars that burn when history seems close to repeating itself.

we entered this relationship completely based on selfish reasons as well. completely selfish. but we're sacrificing this relationship for selfless reasons. or maybe ultimately for our own convenience.

i never wanted this relationship to be a priority. and ive told many others as well. why? because it should not consume my mind when i have a far greater test approximately 11 months away.  but really, i just didnt want to get hurt. i didnt want to give it my all and get nothing in return. not again. because it would destroy me. i feel so silly to have gotten so involved with my emotions and infatuation but it was as if it was impossible to let go. i lost myself. the wound unable to heal but hidden under a bandaid. but now, ive grown. the wound doesnt hurt as much. im not even sure if its still there. but i think it is...

but there is no second shot anymore. i can feel the end .. its so close. and i am sad though i dont want to admit it. i look at it humourously, hiding my weakness. i refuse to hurt over this. i must not! and if he doesnt hurt either? that would kill me.

we both used each other. we both loved each other. and we both knew there would be an end. of course. we knew it before we even went out.

ich bin in ihn verliebt aber er liebt mich nicht.
was kann ich machen?
ich bin leer.

the rain comforted me today

a rarity.

i wondered what it meant

to be comforted by the rain
the miserable miserable rain

it seemed to match my
miserable miserable mood
so perfectly.

misery loves company
the truth in that!

i am feeling very miserable

ever had one of those days that just plain fucked you into the ground?

i feel incredibly miserable. yes i am. and im on the verge of crying.

what kind of bullshit is this ?

when your closest friend gets pissed at you for being the angry one in the first place? what am i supposed to do? apologize for being angry at her? yes ive been doing that for how long now? oh im sorry to make you feel bad for offending me in some manner that evokes the emotion of anger or whatever. yes im so sorry. afterall the world does revolve around you does it not? im sorry, i wont ever make that mistake of getting angry at you ever again! but ive been doing it for so long now and i never learn now do i? i'm ever so sorry, maybe we should just stop.

its a shame that reading something that is basically first person dialogue ( if that even makes sense ) does not give off a sense of sarcasm & irony. let me inform you that this whole text is driven by those two notions.

like ok yeh i know you "tried" but honestly 3 calls in one night after two weeks seriously is not enough. if i damaged your pride so what. did you ever think i was ready as well? but thanks for trying again and again to try to show what our friendship means to you. o wait, i take that back - you did no such thing.

god i might even be wrong about why you ignored me that day + 3 weeks + 1 day. but you made no effort to "fix" things and yeh maybe im sick & tired of fixing a relationship you obviously don't care enough about to hold onto.

yeh sorry about this being oh-so-public but everyone knows anyway. yeh i told them so they would understand our repeltion & would not suddenly suggest something awkward where we both give them dirties.

Usually i would be the one who'd think god, this is so immature, i'm going to try to end this pointless fight and be the bigger woman. well sorry, i've seem to have resigned from my job of "me&minna'srelationshipfixer".

yeh minna you've offended me a lot. yes you have. i get cut, yet you seem to be so blind to it i wonder why on earth am i confiding into you so many things?

remember last year when i said something that reflected on your cutness to me. you heard it. sorta stared into nothingness and then suddenly talkd about something random. thanks for disregarding what i had to say and how i felt. it feels extremely comforting to be ignored in such.

and btw you probably don't remember - i guess cos you're like that.

isn't it nice to hear all your faults all put into one. yes you could retaliate and write all my faults out but i doubt you would not find those very faults in yourself whether they be more subtly or more obviously.

i was making a stand for my pride & i suppose tested your degree of value for our friendship. its been 3 weeks of uncomfortable moments where i pretend you dont exist. btw you took my spot today at recess and i was trying to decide whether i should sit somewhere else or tell you off bluntly. but i didnt want to be the first person to say anything.

to elaine sorry for ignoring you in maths. i was just so pissed that it seemed no one cared about me anymore. yes i did storm off n yes you did tell me so in maths but then you didnt say anything or call out after me or anything. tho its nice to know you realised after i had actually left.
yes i am incredibly self absorbed but that may be due to my lack of self confidence and assurance.

dj said i may be suffering from depression like lol. i think its just pms + a whole lot of other shit.

feeling even worser being left for half an hour in the cold at night @ a deserted train station waiting to get pickd up. didnt have my phone so did not know my parents were out. so i stood there reflecting everything and wondered how i would write all this out and if i should actually post this at the fear of offending people, being called bitchy and etc.

i walked home naturally feeling my self esteem hit rock bottom. i don't need to think about this shit before all these assessment tasks. and these matters matter a lot to me. remember that day in yr8 where i thought you were pissed @ me minna cos i thought i said something wrong n you sotra had that face you always do? well i could not concentrate that whole lesson. unlike some of youse i cannt just block out the things i value and concentrate on things like study, etc.

so what can i do when i feel my friends + family abandon me? when my closest friends at times like these aren't my closest friends?

maybe just vent it all out and hope you all understand perhaps?

    i hate life

im tres depressed and sad and paranoid

that

im unloved.

=(

factory girl rocks btw :)

live life like you want to

love life like you have to.

well my blog has sorta died =/ and i should change my skin cos there are bugs and stuff

schools been okay. i fear im falling behind, but the fault lies with me and my incompetence to revise and study and even bother to understand the information thrown at my face. life sorta you know, officially sucks. cos when hasnt it? and lets see... people are getting ahead and im scared that they'l be on top when im not . and i really want to be at the top. but how can i do this without the commitment, motivation, inspiration, money or time to do this? why do i procrastinate endlessly like i am now. why oh why oh why!

please get me out of this habit. god i need a boyfriend. LOL

anyway, life rox because.. it just does.

<3 jendo